How to Support a Loved One Dealing with Trauma


 How to Support a Loved One Dealing with Trauma

Trauma changes people. It reshapes how they see the world, how they trust, how they respond to stress, and even how they connect with the people they love. If you’re watching someone you care about navigate the aftermath of trauma, you might feel helpless, like no matter what you say or do, it’s never quite enough.

I’ve been on both sides of this. As a nurse, I’ve cared for people carrying deep emotional wounds. As a veteran and veteran spouse, I’ve lived through trauma myself and walked beside others as they’ve tried to heal. And I know how isolating it can feel for the person in pain and for the one trying to support them.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: You don’t have to fix their pain. You just have to be there.

Supporting a loved one through trauma isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about showing up, again and again, in a way that feels safe, steady, and unwavering.

Here’s how you can do that.

1. Understand That Trauma Changes the Nervous System

Trauma isn’t just “in their head.” It physically alters the brain and body. Your loved one might be more anxious, irritable, withdrawn, or emotionally numb. They might struggle with trust, avoid certain places or situations, or react strongly to seemingly small things.

This isn’t a choice; it’s their nervous system working in overdrive, trying to protect them.

🔹 What You Can Do: Instead of saying, “Why are you reacting like that?” try, “I can see this is hard for you. I’m here.” Small shifts in language can create safety.

2. Don’t Try to “Fix” Them

When we see someone we love hurting, our instinct is to try to take the pain away. But trauma isn’t something you can solve with logic, advice, or tough love. Healing takes time, and the process isn’t linear.

I’ve had moments when I wanted to shake someone and say, “Please just let me help you!” But I’ve also been the one who wasn’t ready to talk, who needed space before I could even name what I was feeling.

🔹 What You Can Do: Instead of pushing them to “move on” or “be positive,” try simply acknowledging what they’re going through: “That sounds really painful. I’m here when you’re ready.”

3. Respect Their Triggers and Boundaries

Trauma creates invisible landmines; certain words, sounds, places, or even smells can trigger a painful response. What seems harmless to you might feel overwhelming to them.

Your loved one may set boundaries that don’t make sense to you—like not wanting to talk about certain topics, avoiding crowds, or needing more alone time. These aren’t personal rejections; they’re survival mechanisms.

🔹 What You Can Do: Ask what makes them feel safe. If they say, “I don’t like surprise hugs” or “I need a quiet space when I feel overwhelmed,” honour that.

4. Show Up Consistently, Without Pressure

Trauma often makes people pull away, either because they don’t feel safe or because they’re afraid of being a burden. It’s easy to assume they want space, but sometimes, they just don’t know how to ask for support.

One of the most powerful things you can do is keep showing up, even if they don’t always respond, even if they seem distant.

🔹 What You Can Do: Send a simple text: “No need to reply, just thinking of you.” Invite them for coffee without expecting deep conversation. Let them know your presence is steady, even when they feel unsteady.

5. Encourage Professional Support (Without Pushing It)

Trauma is complex, and sometimes, professional help is necessary. But pushing therapy before someone is ready can backfire. Instead of saying, “You need help,” try, “I believe in your strength, and I’ll support you in whatever way feels right for you.”

🔹 What You Can Do: Offer to help find a therapist, drive them to an appointment, or explore options together. Let them take the lead.

6. Take Care of Yourself, Too

Supporting someone through trauma is hard. It can be exhausting, frustrating, and heartbreaking. You might feel like you’re walking on eggshells or that their pain is seeping into your own life.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. Your well-being matters, too.

🔹 What You Can Do: Set your own boundaries. Seek support if you need it. It’s okay to say, “I love you, and I also need time to take care of myself.”

7. Remember: Love is Healing

You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to have all the answers. Just being there, without judgement, without trying to rush their healing can be the most powerful gift you give.

Trauma tells people they are alone. Your love tells them they’re not.

And sometimes, that’s enough.

Have you supported a loved one through trauma? Or have you been the one in need of support? Let’s start a conversation. Drop a comment below—I’d love to hear your thoughts. 💜

With love. Caron 💗

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